What makes internet-based sexual behavior so strongly addictive?
Several factors contribute to the addictiveness of this behavior. First, it is accessible. We can easily indulge sexual fantasies or fetishes, discover new ones, and connect with others who share our fantasies. It is also immediate and affordable. It is anonymous—no one sees us. We can even assume fantasy identities. It can provide a sexual fix with absolutely no requirement that we become intimate or that we respond to the realities of other people. Finally, it is in endless supply. The enormous number of possibilities keeps us always wanting more, looking for the next thing, and the next, and the next. We quickly become accustomed to having our attention on the future instead of being in the reality of the present moment.
Curtailing this addiction involves addressing these issues. On the next page you will find suggested tools based on the experience, strength and hope of our members from our recent workshop. (continued on back)
Tools for Breaking Free of The Web
REDUCE ACCESS
Get rid of the internet. Honestly ask, do I really need the internet in my home? If you choose to keep the internet, install software protection such as Cyber Sitter or Net Nanny with the help of a program member. This restricts access to sexual sites. You may also use an internet provider with parental controls, or one specifically designed to be “family oriented” such as: www.familysafeweb.net, www.paxway.com, www.cleanweb.net, or www.afo.net.
Set clear boundaries for your computer use such as how long you spend on the computer, what times you use the computer, and what sites you visit. Identify situations when you definitely will not use the computer such as during vulnerable emotional states. Write these boundaries into your recovery plan.
REDUCE ANONYMITY
Be sure e-mail address and screen names actually identify you, no more hiding behind fictitious identities. Talk to at least two people in addition to a partner about the issue. Create an “internet sponsor” by allowing a trusted friend, program sponsor or therapist to monitor your behavior and access.
REDUCE OBJECTIFICATION
Regularly remind yourself that those with whom you communicate, view, show yourself to, or hook up with, are REAL human beings with hopes, worries, and loved ones just as you are and can be affected by your interactions with them.
BE ACCOUNTABLE
Give your internet sponsor access to your computer history and files. Be accountable to this person for the time you spend online and what you did. Consider “bookending” your internet sessions with this person. Make this a daily part of your plan.
Staying Stopped: Support and Self Care
Long-term caring for ourselves can be unfamiliar to us if we have become dependent on instantaneous fixes. It may seem difficult, but fortunately we have the support of the Steps and caring people in the program.
Accountability is a great new pattern to practice. This can be as simple as committing that we will not change aspects of our Recovery Plan without going over it with our sponsor. Talking with others is a wonderful tool for us to avoid relapsing. Talking things out lets us listen to our own voice. We become more aware of when our disease is talking when we hear it coming out of our own mouths. Reality checks with people who know our story are some of the greatest gifts of the program. The practice of total honesty is a critical feature in building the capacity for healthy intimacy.
Your recovery plan is a very effective tool here. Review it on a regular basis. Celebrating progress is an essential element in nurturing ourselves.
Learning what we are medicating is key to developing long-term healthy sexuality. Once we’ve stopped, the issues that make us vulnerable to the internet must be acknowledged and repaired. If we begin to suspect that we suffer from a mental illness such as depression, or attention deficit disorder, we need to seek help. Ask people in the program who have struggled with these conditions what has worked for them.
Research shows that without healthy replacement behaviors, we eventually become depleted and tense and uneasy and will look for ways to go around our external boundaries. Create a “top line” for your recovery plan by identifying the things that you now get to enjoy by avoiding destructive behavior.
*Note: Some of the research for this article is based on Patrick Carnes’s book, In the Shadows of the Net. SCA endorses no scholarly sources or products. These references in no way constitute an endorsement by SCA.
