My name is Todd and I am a recovering sex addict. I grew up in a home that had a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy regarding feelings. I kept a lot inside of me, especially the part about being gay.
I had a part-time job in a department store. That’s when I began acting out in bathrooms. I did not know at the time of all the sex I was having there would eventually lead to bathhouses and bookstores. I also didn’t think of it as acting out. I just thought that I was being needy. I did not have a lot of friends so it took away lots of loneliness.
Later, I thought if only I had a lover I wouldn’t have a lot of sex partners. In 1983 I met my first lover, “M.” I kept telling myself that this is the man of my dreams and I am going to be faithful. The first year that we were together I was away at college and I was lonely and I went to the tearooms at the school and spent a lot of time there. I thought when I came to live with him the next year things would change but they did not.
M. had a drinking problem and I justified my sexual acting out because he was a drunk and treated me badly. After two years of living together he told me to go to Alanon so he could get sober. I don’t know what he was thinking. In February of 1986 my recovery began, ever so slowly!
I found a sponsor in that program. I kept telling him about my acting out and that I did not want to do that anymore. I thought I was just addict to M. It was much easier to focus on his drinking problems than to look at my own issues. . He told me about recovery programs for sexual addiction.
When went to my first SCA meeting they read the 14 common characteristics. All of them hit home for me, especially the one that says “we tended to become immobilized by romantic obsessions.” I always thought that if I had the right man I would stop all of my acting out.
I kept finding guys that were not available to me so I always had three boyfriends. That was in the characteristics, too. I always seemed to want the guys more than they wanted me. I knew that I had a desperate look in my eyes and maybe that scared a lot of the guys away. I knew that the bookstores, baths, and backrooms were not the greatest places to find healthy relationships. I didn’t like the way I looked when I go the “B’s.” My eyes glazed over like I was drunk. No wonder no one wanted to talk or be with me.
I no longer have to be that way. Why did I think I needed a man to make me feel complete? I know I need the help of my higher power and me, not another man. I knew after that if I am going to change and not to live in fantasy, to use sex as a drug, and to have romantic obsessions. I had to participate in my recovery. To work the steps and truly surrender over to my higher power and the support system I need to surrender my addiction, am I am going to be ok
Am I going to be able to stay with my feelings long enough to stop the acting out. I don’t like feeling feelings like anger and loneliness, which sometimes fuels my addictive acting out. I know that I have to feel my pain long enough to get to the other side get away from my acting out long enough to not only stopping but also staying stopped. Staying sober and learning to live with my feeling. I know that I used to live my life with all the drama I did not have drama in my life I did not know what to do. If I did not have any I created some. It times to surrender the drama to my higher power. I know that I feed the healthy Todd and not my addict I have a chance to stay sober.
If I go to meetings, call my sponsor, and work the steps. I have a better chance of staying on my sex plan. My sex plan has evolved over the years to help me stay sober. I need plan to help me feed the healthy Todd. I avoid the gray areas of my plan, which I used to use as loopholes to keep my recovery on the fence. I loved being on the fence in the early days of recovery. I wanted to be in recovery and stay sober and not act out and lave lots of anonymous sex. I know that I can’t have one foot in on one side that my addict can get a hold of and take me for a ride. By the help with my support system and my higher power
Now I am participating in my own recovery by working the steps and calling my support system every other day. I know that I don’t need a man to make my life complete, and that it would be nice to have one. I can give myself validation by affirmations. Like I am a loving a worthwhile person. I don’t need to give my power away by having sex with someone I don’t want to just so they like me. I don’t have to isolate myself from anyone to live in my addiction because that whets my addict wants. I go to meetings and fellowship and I get out of my head, and share my feelings. I try to just take a day at a time and sometimes just 5 minutes at a time. If I just wait out the urge to act out it passes, and I can get by another day. Is my life perfect? No. But I have learned that, with help, I can make better choices.
